Sunday, May 13, 2018

Mother's Day 2018

Today is Mother's Day and it's with mixed emotions I sit down at my keyboard. 

I am eternally grateful for the wonderful Mum that God gave me. We share a special bond and I so appreciate the relationship we have. She has been a selfless woman, putting the needs of her children first and raising four wonderful kids. (if I do say so myself!)

Her example has been inspirational and I have longed for the day that I could, myself, be called Mum. Many Mother's Days passed by without the slightest prospect of that becoming a reality. There were many tears shed by both Mum and me as she shouldered this burden with me. Many prayers went up by both her and her friends as they prayed that God would grant me the desire of my heart.

And He did. I met Devin and I became a wife and a mummy all at once. It was what I had always hoped for, although presented a bit differently than I had imagined. Cody welcomed me into his life with open arms. At six years old, he had a longing for the attributes that I was longing to give. After just a few short weeks, he told me that he loved me. My heart swelled as I realized the connection we were making.

We have continued to grow in our relationship as we've settled into our new family. Eventually he asked if he could call me Mommy. At first, I hesitated. I said that he has a Mommy and that's not me. I also explained it might be confusing for him to call both me & Melanie "Mommy". He didn't seem to mind and persisted. So, we agreed that I would be called Mummy with a u to differentiate.

As much as I love Cody as though he were my own, my heart longed for the experience of having a baby. Someone that had my DNA, that looked like me, a product of both my husband and myself. After all, it's the way God designed it. 

Devin & I recognized early in our relationship this was important to both of us and knew it was something we would pursue, but time was of the essence. I was 39 years old when we got married and my window of opportunity was slowly closing. After countless appointments, tests and procedures we have not been successful in this endeavour. 

In the beginning, I was optimistic. It was finally my time to become a mum. But, as the months passed, each one a reminder of a lost opportunity, my optimism faded. I gave myself a mental deadline of my 41st birthday. I knew that we were pushing the boundaries of having a healthy baby and honestly, I did not want to be 50 years old and dealing with the same issues we are now going through with Cody. 

I struggled with this decision, as it felt selfish. But, the more I talked to Devin about it, the more at peace I was with the conclusion. As he pointed out, sometimes we need to let go of past dreams in order to embrace new ones. We have the rest of our lives together to enjoy and that means different dreams than I ever allowed myself to dream before.

All of this was brewing in my mind for months, but I dared not say it out loud. If I did, it would be more real. Several months ago, as I tucked Cody in for the night and sang him a song, I felt God say to me he's enough. I pushed that out of my brain. I didn't want to hear that because I wanted what I wanted. It didn't seem fair that a couple like Devin and myself would be denied the opportunity to welcome a new little one. Especially when my eyes are focused on terribly inept parents everywhere I go. Why God, would you allow people like that to become parents and deny me? I pressed on.

Until, one Sunday, our pastor said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. His illustration was comparing his relationship with his 2-year-old daughter with our relationship with Christ. Quinn can tell Daddy that she's hungry and that she wants ice cream for dinner. As her dad, he can give her food so that she is not hungry. But, he knows what is best for her and would not give her ice cream for dinner. God is like that with us. He will give us what we need but not necessarily what we want. Boom. There it was as plain as day. I was asking for ice cream. The tears streamed down my cheeks as I recognized what this meant.

We had decided to try one more round of IUI to ensure we had given our all and would not regret anything in the future. However, when my period finally arrived, I was overwhelmed with emotion. The reality was, I didn’t want to make the call to the clinic. I knew what the treatment made me feel like and I felt I already knew the answer. After several hours of teary conversation, Devin & I decided not to pursue this any further. 

It’s not easy to walk through the baby department at a store or congratulate a friend on their pregnancy. And sometimes I get overwhelmed with all of the things I’ll never do. I will never get the opportunity to give birth. To experience infant – 6 years old. To be a part of a new moms group. To choose a name. To see my eyes looking back at me. 

But God is faithful and has given me the family I desired. I am blessed beyond measure to have found such a wonderful, caring husband and a beautiful little boy to pour into and call my own.


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