My Christmas Song

The weeks leading up to Christmas were always my favourite. I loved listening to Karen Carpenter croon away some holiday classics while I made little shaped cookies. Or watching the Grizwalds while I wrapped gifts. Those weeks were filled with all sorts of special events or gatherings. And then the big day would arrive - December 25th. Despite the fact that I was celebrating the birth of our Saviour and all that represents, there was an emptiness inside me once Christmas finally arrived.

As the years passed, many tears were shed on Christmas. For some reason, this holiday has a way of holding up a big mirror and showing you the things you feel are missing in your life. Christmas is a time for family and although I enjoyed celebrating with my parents, my siblings, their spouses and their kids, it was a reminder that I was alone. More than anything, I desired a family of my own to start Christmas traditions and celebrate together.

This Christmas pushed all of those other Christmases out of the way. With a wonderful husband and adorable red head by my side, we enjoyed all of the festivities together and my heart was full. We finished our shopping in November so December was reserved for Christmas movie nights, LEGO advent calendar, making cookies with Grammie, and gingerbread house construction.

On Christmas morning, Cody crawled into bed with us for some snuggles before we made our way downstairs for Dad to read the Christmas story and open gifts. We stayed in our jammies and had a decadent breakfast, played with new toys, went tobogganing and watched Home Alone. It was the perfect day of relaxing with my family without having to pack up and drive anywhere. Actually the whole week is planned to be the same! Not much on the schedule but enjoying our time together.

As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, I'm reflecting on how God put together my family - like a jigsaw puzzle. It is not the conventional family I had thought I would have, but what a blessing they are to me. I couldn't ask for a more thoughtful, caring or kind husband. And, yes, I have to share Cody with his bio-mom on holidays like this, but I'm the one that gets to tuck him in every night. I get to have neat conversations as we drive together in the truck. I know what he struggles with at school and what makes his heart sing. I am so grateful for the relationship we have been able to forge.

This Christmas my heart is full.

1000 Dixie Cups

There's nothing quite like a family wedding to hold a mirror up to your singleness. This very thing happened to me recently. Watching the bride walk down the aisle, I wondered if I might do something similar. I long for the day that my Dad can share in that special moment with me.

It is in situations like this that I find myself reflecting on the life I thought I would have and examining the one that is my reality. It has always been my intention to get married and have a family. However, I find myself unintentionally single. I wish I knew why. If I did, I could change the situation or fix whatever is wrong. But, I don't know if there is an answer to that question.

Just when I feel like the pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together and it all makes so much sense, I realize that in fact, I was mistaken. What I briefly thought could be mine is once again snatched away.

I no longer feel like going out every weekend. Yet, I feel society's pressure that I should be out there every weekend. I have grown tired of this. What I long for is someone to "do life" with.

I recently heard it summarized this way and thought it was so accurate to how I feel. You thirst to drink from a deep well (that one meaningful relationship) but instead you are forced to satisfy that thirst with 1000 dixie cups.

I have some really amazing friends and people in my life and I am truly thankful for those awesome relationships. But, they are like dixie cups. I am waiting to settle in to my life with a husband and stop the temporary fixes. By this, I mean meeting someone for coffee here, dinner there, a movie this night or a concert that night. These are all great things and I treasure my time spent with my friends but it just does not fulfill what my heart aches for.

You may be reading this and you have been married so long you forget what it's like to be single. If that is you, please let me give you some advice. Asking a single person why they are not dating someone or not married is not only not helpful, but it's hurtful. (I can imagine this is similar to asking someone when they are going to have a baby) You cannot know what is happening below the surface and unless you have been brought into that inner trust circle, you really shouldn't have much to say about the matter.

And so, I carry on. I have a pretty great life and as mentioned above, have some fabulous friends and family. I have a lot to be grateful for. But, sometimes there are moments when the thoughts expressed here wash over me. It's good to write them down and get them out. Thanks for reading.